We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY