if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
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Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“I’m helping” 😅
Me irl
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.