“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh