Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
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Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
THERAPIST: you鈥檙e always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
Interviewer: “Your r茅sum茅 says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
This is a whole mood;
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.