My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
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Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat