Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.