I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.