I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.