I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“Why you watching this shit?”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Every BBC series about the universe.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners