A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link