reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Not today
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation