I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.