Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
You Might Also Like
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My birth announcement for our third baby