Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.