I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
You Might Also Like
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Dammit Chief not again
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen