When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
A dad and his duck
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.