I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
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My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.