Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked