Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
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I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever