Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Hitlers gonna hitl
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge