“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
You Might Also Like
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I have a new favorite meme page
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.