Always the camel, never the toe.
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“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
the composer
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.