First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am