Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
you stereotypes are all alike
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme