surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
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