i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I forgot how to panic. Help
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.