The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
File under excellent bookstore names.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Yup!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.