Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
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When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…