Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
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On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Ape together strong
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.