I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Fiction has to make sense.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car