Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.