Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?