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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.