I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
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I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Noah
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.