Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
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There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?