Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
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4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.