My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
😲 WTF? 😆
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
describing stardew valley
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still