My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
This is so me 😂😂
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.