[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
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Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
so weird how every mom was born today
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.