Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.