If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
You Might Also Like
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Said the murderer.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩