My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
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Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Good dog. ❤️
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
why would tinder want me to say this
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
ATMs should have breathalyzers