15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
You Might Also Like
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.