Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
FINE, I WON’T.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.