Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.