We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
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[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Not today, today.
Not today.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.