Roadkill is just a goth zoo
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
She puts the hot in psychotic
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*