I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
A little too much information.
Brother?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
You had me at “define legal”.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me: