[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
had to share :’)
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m an avid indoorsman.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.