Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Okey dokey.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me